TLDR:  This blog post explores my healing journey as a sexual abuse survivor who shares insights on separating past trauma from the present self. Through various healing modalities, including EMDR and plant medicine, I discuss the importance of confronting dark memories while maintaining a sense of safety. I emphasize the need for understanding and processing trauma to achieve a thriving life, ultimately finding wisdom and purpose in the experience.

In my journey of healing from trauma, particularly sexual abuse, I’ve found myself grappling with the weight of my past. Over time, I’ve learned to separate my past trauma from my present self, which has allowed me to process my emotions and move closer to true healing.

The Challenge of Confronting Trauma

One of the most difficult parts of my healing has been the overwhelming nature of revisiting traumatic events. When I engage in healing modalities such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or open up about my feelings, I often feel engulfed by my past experiences. This immersion can stir up old pain and fear, making it incredibly hard to face those memories.

The Importance of Separation

What has helped me most is learning to separate the part of me that experienced trauma from who I am now. By doing this, I can observe my emotions without being consumed by them. This separation allows me to explore my feelings safely and to remember that I am not in danger in my present circumstances.

Observing My Child Self

One powerful technique I’ve used is observing my child self during moments of distress. When I acknowledge the fear and pain I experienced back then while also recognizing that I am safe now, I’m able to process my emotions in a healthier way. This dual perspective has given me a greater sense of security and allowed for deeper healing.

Utilizing Healing Modalities

Along the way, I’ve also explored various healing modalities, including visualization techniques I learned in my Institute of Healing Arts class. One of the most effective methods has been placing overwhelming memories and feelings into mental containers, like boxes or videotapes, to be addressed later. This structure gives me more control and helps me approach healing at my own pace.

The Role of Plant Medicine

I also turned to plant medicine as part of my journey. It pushed me to confront some of my deepest fears. During one session, I vividly relived the trauma of being abused as a child. As painful as that experience was, it gave me new insights into my past and helped me see the courage it took to survive those hardships.

Understanding the Cycle of Life and Trauma

Healing has also led me to reflect on the broader cycles of life and trauma. I once rescued a rabbit, only to see it later fall victim to a dog. That moment made me think deeply about the balance of life and the presence of darkness in the world.

The Balance of Nature

Through these reflections, I’ve come to see that life is filled with both beauty and brutality. I’ve thought about how humans disrupt ecological balance—like when wolves were hunted to protect sheep, leading to environmental harm. These realizations remind me of the complexities of life and the lessons suffering can teach us.

Finding Purpose in Pain

Even in the darkest moments, I believe there is a greater plan at work. I’ve come to see that each of us has a purpose, and through suffering, we can learn profound lessons about love, goodness, and even the nature of evil.

Acknowledging Family Patterns

Part of my healing has also involved looking at the generational patterns in my family. I’ve come to understand that my grandfather’s actions were shaped by his own traumatic upbringing. This doesn’t excuse the pain he caused, but it has helped me foster compassion and see my experiences in a broader context. That understanding has been essential in finding forgiveness and peace.

Conclusion

Healing from sexual abuse is complex and deeply personal. By separating my past from my present, leaning on different healing practices, and reflecting on the cycles of life, I’ve discovered wisdom and purpose in my pain. My journey is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of healing.

In sharing my experiences, I hope to inspire others on their own healing journeys, reminding them that they are not alone and that a thriving life beyond trauma is possible.