TLDR: In this post, I share how sexual trauma has impacted my intimacy and the surprising ways orgasms have brought healing. I recount my first unexpected experience, the shame that followed, and the ongoing struggle with sexual dysfunction. I also reflect on the importance of embracing sexuality as a natural, beautiful part of life, while challenging the harmful teachings that often keep us from doing so.
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In a world where conversations about sexuality are often treated as taboo, I’ve learned how easy it is to overlook the healing potential of orgasms. My story is one of awakening, confusion, shame, and ongoing struggle—but also of glimpses of healing. By sharing my journey, I hope to show the importance of understanding sexuality as a natural and sacred part of life, while also naming the ways society has tried to make me feel otherwise.
A Life-Changing Surgery
When I was 19, I underwent major hip surgeries—Pao surgeries. My family was struggling financially at the time, so I needed somewhere to stay during my recovery. A friend, who would later become my husband, offered me a place in his brother and sister-in-law’s home. Their kindness created a safe space for me to heal physically, and it became the foundation of a deep friendship. At the time, I wasn’t interested in romance, but that season of life was transformative in ways I never expected.
An Unexpected Awakening
When I returned from the hospital, my hosts welcomed me home with a handmade sign. That small act of love meant so much. During those days, my friend David was especially comforting. One evening, he put his arm gently around my shoulder and brushed lightly down my arm.
To my shock, I experienced what I now believe was my first real orgasm. It was overwhelming, frightening, and confusing—completely unwanted in that moment. I froze, then curled into my bed in the fetal position, crying, unable to understand or explain what had just happened. David was just as startled, not knowing how to respond.
That night changed me. Instead of feeling joy, I felt betrayed by my own body and deeply ashamed of what had happened.
My Struggle with Sexual Dysfunction
After that experience, intimacy became incredibly difficult. I struggled to reach orgasm again, which I now see was connected to the trauma of my past and the shame I had absorbed from society’s teachings. For so long, I felt like a vital part of my sexuality had been stolen from me.
One memory that still haunts me is watching a father punish his young son for exploring his own body. I cried inside for that boy because I understood what it meant to be told that something natural was wrong. It broke my heart to see shame being handed down to another generation, just as it had been to me.
Trauma’s Impact on My Intimacy
My history of abuse has made intimacy complicated and painful. I’ve dealt with ongoing infections and physical discomfort that have made reconnecting with my body feel impossible at times. And yet, there have been rare moments of grace—times when medication, therapy, or simply feeling safe allowed me to glimpse what healing could feel like.
The Healing Potential of Orgasms
Despite the difficulties, I’ve come to see orgasms as deeply healing. When they happen, they feel cleansing, like my body is releasing years of tension and grief. They remind me that my body is still mine—that it can be a place of pleasure and wholeness, not just pain.
The contrast between the harm of my past and the healing power I’ve experienced through intimacy has shown me just how important it is to reclaim sexuality as something good.
Conclusion
My journey of healing from sexual trauma is still ongoing, but I’ve learned that shame doesn’t have to have the last word. Orgasms, though misunderstood and often silenced in society, have the power to bring release, renewal, and even hope. By embracing my body instead of condemning it, I am slowly reclaiming what was taken from me. And by sharing openly, I hope to break down the harmful silence that keeps so many of us from healing and wholeness.